It's about that time... the end of the month. My period is due in the next 7 or so days, and I have all the usual symptoms. I feel weak, and tired. I'm not quite weepy yet, but I know that's coming too. So today I thought about it a bit, and I'm trying to think of ways to prepare for the first few drops of red that show me again that we have not conceived this month.
You'd think that knowing its coming and being prepared would be half the battle, but how do you prepare for this emotional tidal wave? I've been down this road. I feel weak and tired, but isn't that how I'd feel if I were pregnant too? Month after month I've played these games with myself. No matter how much I tell myself that, rationally, this is PMS not early pregnancy, my heart is still battling with my mind. I know that if I were pregnant there would also be other signs, but somewhere deep inside I cannot let go of hope. People always talk about hope as a positive thing, it's the thing that keeps you going. Why do I feel like hope is destroying me? If I could only let go of this hope, I would be more emotionally stable, which would help me feel physically stronger. But no, hope has it's grip on me, and I can't shake it, even if I desperately want to. Logic will not win the battle against emotion, especially with the current hormone cocktail I've got brewing.
In nursing school, you learn about the "feeling of impending doom". If a patient describes anything like this, you listen, because it truly means something big and bad is about to happen. You notify everyone who needs to know. You get help.
What do I do with that feeling now? I know my period is coming, and I know that when I does I will cry for a day and be depressed with no energy or drive for about 3 days. I know it's coming, and I don't want it to rule my life. What can I do to prepare?? It feels so helpless and again, the lesson of this whole thing....... out of control. I get it God, I'm not the one in control here. Help me get through the next week and a half....
We haven't posted in a long time, so I have no idea who, if anyone, will be reading this. I (Jen) am just kind of looking at it as a public journal for now. It's going to be personal, and not nearly as riveting as Andrew's conspiracies or ways to get involved to save the earth. It's just me, and what's been going on... looking for anyone who can relate or has constructive ideas.
Since December 07, just after we ran the Chicago and Grand Rapids Marathons, we've been trying to conceive. If that's too personal, stop reading now. We've tried everything. We are educated folks, and I'm a nurse in labor and delivery, so we have a lot more information than the average 20-something who wants to have a baby. I planned to be pregnant in the first 2-3 months of trying. Why not? We are healthy, young, not overweight, not eating an abundance of junk food, get 7-8 hours of sleep a night, drink a lot of water, eat some organic foods, and have no family history of fertility issues. I've been taking prenatal vitamins since before we started trying, so we have covered all the major bases. Needless to say, 3 months came and went.
I didn't start getting anxious until about 6 months. Many of our friends who started trying at the same time as us were announcing their pregnancies, and every month when I got my period again it felt like failure. Andrew and I are both first born control freaks, but we are aware of this so it's fair game to talk about. We are white, middle class, educated. We recognize that we are privileged. For our entire lives so far, if we wanted something, we were able to work harder or smarter and get it. We've never encountered anything (at least not anything important) that we absolutely could not get. But we cannot control this one. We can't work a little harder and end up with a baby. We can't get more educated to learn what steps to take to have a baby.
By 10 months we stopped charting our cycles. We'd been charting for over 3 years by then, first to avoid pregnancy, then to try to achieve it. We just needed to stop thinking about it for a while. After one year, I knew that we had officially inherited the title "Infertile". This was my biggest emotional breakdown. At work women of all kinds were coming in to have babies... fat women, smokers, women who had been on the pill or had an IUD to prevent pregnancy, and even women on cocaine. They gave birth to healthy babies, both wanted and unwanted. And here am I. Young, healthy, and wanting.
Being infertile made me question myself as a woman. Being tall and athletic, I have always been teased. People have called me names: Jolly Green Giant when I wore my favorite green dress, Ogre throughout middle and high school, and yes, of course, lesbian. Now, this one thing that makes me distinctly woman, the ability to carry and give birth to a baby, is being withheld from me. Why?
Also, it's been a time of deepening faith for me. I have yelled at God and asked "Why?". I have cried, and begged, and probably tried to strike deals with Him, but still, here I am. Barren. Maybe He's not saying No, maybe He is saying Not Yet. On my good days I know that I still trust Him and love Him, and on my bad days I eventually come to that conclusion after I rage at Him for a while. Glad He is all loving and full of grace. He can take it.
Marriage. I truly think that a thing like this can tear it apart or make it more solid than it ever would have been without these trials. Praise God; Andrew and I are closer than ever. We can talk about all these things, and usually our bad days don't come on the same day.
At about 15 months of "trying" we got some basic testing done. We check out okay. That's great! And horrible. As control freaks we want to know what's wrong so we can fix it. Instead we fit into the category of "Unexplained Infertility", which applies to about 20% of infertile couples.
Meanwhile, our friends are now having babies. And more friends continue to get pregnant. We are truly happy for them. It does, also, remind us of our great saddness.
We are now at 18 months and met with the doctor yesterday. She is great. I am not thrilled at the idea of pumping my body full of synthetic hormones, and she understands that. Here are the options. Do nothing and continue to wait. Start treatments with drugs to try to treat a problem that doesn't seem to be there. See a fertility specialist and find out more options. We'll see.
We've also gone to informational meetings about adoption, which is something we both wanted to do before we got married. We always pictured it as more of a choice, not as our only option. We were told that if we conceive during the adoption process, we have to wait until the baby is about 8 months old and start the process over from the beginning. Does anyone have anything to say to that? Did this happen to you? What did you do? What are you doing now?
Friends and family. No one knows how to respond to this, and it makes them uncomfortable. When you run into someone and they say "Hey, how's it going?" or "What's up?" or "What have you been up to lately?" I can feel it bottle up inside of me and I want to regurgitate this entire blog for them, but how many people really want to stop and listen to that? The more polite response is that not much is up, and you're doing well, so I stick to that for the most part. When I do tell people, they either look like they would like to close their eyes and wish themselves out of the situation because they are so uncomfortable, or they offer some cheery advice to "help". Like this:
Just stop caring/trying/worrying about it and it will happen.
Look into adoption and it will happen.
Um, not helpful. I want to punch them in the face and run away crying, but I know they are only saying this because they have heard it said before or they just don't know how to respond. No worries, I'm going to tell you how to respond right now...
If someone tells you anything that is difficult for them, infertility included, respond something like this: "I'm so sorry, that must be really hard for you guys. " Then, encourage them to open up about it as much as they would like to. It really shows that you care and is way better than any cliche you have to offer.
So, like I said, for now we have a decision to make. I think we'll probably see the specialist, but as much as we'd like to have a baby we seem to be dragging our toes a bit. I just keep thinking that maybe this month will be different. Maybe if we are just patient this one more time it will pay off....
Setting myself up for another disappointment. About the 19th or 20th one, actually.
Don't believe everything you read. Barack Obama is not a Muslim. John McCain is not a Buddhist. Both are Christians. Let us not come to evaluate candidates by trying to determine which is more "Christian". So with that preface, I thought that you might be interested in this crazy email I received at work. I couldn't find anything about it online elsewhere.
as a member of a small Christian church here in Germany and interested in US and world politics I am watching the events in the United States very closely.
In this context I want to give you my honest assessment about John McCain. I have read that almost all the Evangelical congregations in the US have endorsed him. That's hard to understand.
Frankly: After I listened to John McCain several times, heard his statements and watched his encounter with the Dalai Lama on July 25 in Denver, Colorado, I have very strong reservations about any endorsement of an Atheist or Buddhist candidate who left his wife when she was disabled. There is nothing Christian in John McCain's biography.
I do not see anything in his words and deeds which is in concordance with the words of the Gospel. Absolutely nothing! I only see in John McCain hatred and Buddhist spirituality at the same time.
Look at the pictures of Denver: how the Dalai Lama took McCain's right hand and patted it repeatedly while he spoke and McCain smiled like a Buddhist acolyte. Finally John McCain removed his hand, put it to his heart and said to the Dalai Lama: THANK YOU YOUR HOLINESS.
Buddhism is surely a peaceful religion, so you may wonder why John McCain is exuding so much hatred, infirmity and confusion.
To understand this you have to know very briefly two of the most important constituents of Buddhism, metempsychosis and the concept of Vices:
first there is the idea of a transmigration of souls, metempsychosis (the current Dalai Lama is still worshipped by his followers as a semi-god, because he incarnates the souls of his predecessors) and
second there is the conception of three Buddhist 'Vices', who are driving the life of human beings on their earthly circle (this earthly circle is called 'Samsara' = 'Wheel of Life' in Buddhist religion).
As an acolyte John McCain has often gone to see the Dalai Lama for spiritual guidance.
The last time John McCain visited the Dalai Lama was on Friday, July 25. Of course McCain sought in these visitations an answer how to contain his 'Vices' who are - as he believes it - the 'Vices' of - Greed - (symbolized as a cock) - Ignorance - (symbolized as a pig) and - Hatred - (symbolized as a snake) (all according to the Buddhist religion).
If you look at John McCain's hatred, infirmity and confusion you can easily find these so called 'Vices' of Buddhism as the driving forces behind his 'Samsara' (wheel of life). But McCain's Buddhist spirituality, his aggressiveness and his hatred have absolutely NOTHING to do with Christianity.
Yours sincerely
name witheld (München, Germany)
Video (Washington Post) of the encounter of the Dalai Lama and John McCain in Denver, July 25:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/video/2008/07/25/VI2008072502539.html?sid=ST2008072503003Labels: John McCain
This just in from McCain's campaign - the prize that can be yours for a $25 donation! Arguments are confusing to most of us. I think McCain's campaign has a better sense of humor. I suppose that goes with the territory of being a senator for the past 22 years - you can play defense when you know the ropes a little more and have less dramatic solutions for the country. Not that that's a bad thing, necessarily. Seriously. This is a purely humorous post. Too bad I already have a stainless steel tire gauge.
Labels: John McCain, Random
