It's Affecting me Deeply

Just a quickie here... 2 issues I'm thinking about this week. One is that last week Andrew and I went camping with my cousins. He and I haven't spent large quantities of time together this summer, it's been busy. So for us to be together (and sleeping in a tent) for 5 days was the first chance we've had to be together like that in a while. While we were driving home, Andrew told me that he started to see during this week that infertility really is changing me and affecting my whole life. Immediately my shoulders dropped and I wanted to cry out of relief. I am NOT making this up.

It is NOT in my head.

Someone else sees it too.

As much as I'd like to pretend I'm fine, I'm not. I want to be the image I have in my head of a strong, independent woman who can do it all and doesn't sweat the small stuff and won't be shaken in the big stuff. The word "steadfast" comes to mind. But, I live in a place called reality and this women in my head is just not me. I'm sensitive. I'm like a vase that cracks easily and may eventually break. I am not invincible.

So, I'm changing. My face, at rest, no longer resembles a smile, and the smiles flow out less freely. I am becoming cynical. I am judgmental. I am bitter. I don't like any of these things, but hopefully admitting it is some kind of first step toward healing.

The second thing going on is that it is taking forever to be able to make an appointment to see the fertility specialist. Every time I call, they tell me they are waiting on this or that. So I call whoever they are waiting on, and give it a few days. Then I call the specialists office again, and they got what they needed, but they also need this other thing.... so I'm on the phone again. I'll get more lab work done tomorrow, and hopefully that will be the final requirement so I can finally make an appointment, which will be 2-4 weeks from when I schedule it.

I'd like to say that I've learned some more deep, philosophical or spiritual truths since I last wrote, but the only thing I've learned since then..... I don't have chlamydia. Phrewf! There is some good news in all of this.